Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Classquatch Yeti Found.

What a huge day for Science and Mr Robert Stack. The elusive and mysterious Classquatch Yeti has been found and captured after years of unsolved sightings and prank phone calls. Remarkably he was found passed out with his head in my fridge using a bowl of spinach as a pillow. Over the past year there have been more and more sightings of the Classquatch Yeti In more urban areas especially around printers and underground rap battle gigs.  This being a very uncommon trait of the legendary Yeti, the sightings were disproven as mere hoax's and local shite talk. But now Scientists and Yeti hunters believe that the Classquatch Yeti was lured to the city by the over powering smell of a certain weed called the Devils Lettuce. After the Yeti consumes a large amount of this It gets serious hunger rumbles and will need to hunt instantly. Investigators now believe that It was the Yeti's  late night munchie fix which led to it's eventual capture.

 Similar to the Straight Back Bicycle Unicorn Whale that was captured last year trapped In a packet of Frosties, the Classquatch Yeti misjudged his prey. Mistaking a fridge for an Arctic Fox, he ate the entire contents over filling himself to a sleepy state, falling asleep on what he thought was a grassy hill was simply a bowl day old spinach.
Opposing reports have emerged In the past 24 hours that this Is yet another hoax created by RTE to boost the viewership of the new season of The Late Late Show using the "Yeti" as their opening guest but no comments have been made to dispute this claim. Another theory was that the Yeti was a lost reveler from the delightful Swedish House Mafia concert up the road from my house the weekend just past. This claim has been supported by people there who said that they have never seen so many sightings of Aliens, Monsters, Bigfoots, Ghosts, Creeps In one place at one single time.  But It was I who discovered this towering beast and I have a theory of my own. He has so many similarities to my friend Ciaran Smith. What struck me most curiously was what ciaran said one day. He said " Here its Karens birthday In a few weeks and I dunno what to get her, too be honest I'm a little worried." I asked why and Ciaran continued " Well Karen calls me her Yeti cause Im so tall and hairy and at the beginning of every month especially during the cold Irish summer months I kinda change . . . and like ya know . . . get hungry n shit. I asked Ciaran to explain more but Instead he just changed the subject and asked had I ever seen the  show Woof! ??? Hmmmmmm? Interesting. Lets have a closer look at this friendly Yeti who mysteriously appeared around the time of Karen Smiths birthday.

Here are the findings of my Classquatch Yeti Awwwwtopsy. 

 The Classquatch Yeti seen here In his fridge frozen state.
 Its clear that a large amount of the Devils Lettuce was consumed to enable such a hazy state of paralysis. 
 With such human features he almost has the look of Ciaran Smith from Plus Print but thats impossible there Is NO WAY this creature could be Ciaran Smith.
 The hands and feet of the Classquatch are another strong indicator that he may be related to Ciaran Smith but we all know Ciaran manicures on the reg. 
 It Is clear that this creature suffered a serous injury to his knee . . just like Ciaran. Maybe they fought each other and inflicted the same wound. Yeah scientific facts in yo FACE!
 On a closer look at the Classquatches Yeti bod It's instantly noticeable that he has natural protective armor. The pube woven rug chest plate is impenetrable to the elements from an Irish summer. His nipples curiously look like mini pieces of ham with bits of bone extruding from them. There is also a very definite birth mark below his left man boob. Im sure Ciaran Smith has none of these things. If you know Ciaran be sure to check first before beginning a conversation with him or opening your fridge 
 It Is clear that this Yeti Is prone to getting himself lost as he's clearly tagged as seen here on his foot. 
 The poor creature has the remains of a bad Lintonian infection. A build up of sweater fluff around the naval which  emits a distinct unfriendly but yet a  kinda personal friendly odor. 
Classquatch Yeti has very similar comfort position of Ciaran Smith but Im sure he learned these by peeping through Ciaran's windows at night when raining his bins. 
This leg cross Is very common with most Yeti's, Smiths and snooker players when waiting. 
After studying extensive X-Files footage back to back learning the ways of Dana Scully I felt confident and guilt free In making a long incision along the Yeti's spine. 
I instantly regretted making this large fatal incision when I realised that the Classquatch Yeti had a gigantic warm beating heart. 
Just to double check my findings were correct I took the heart out. I quickly popped it back in hoping the smiling Yeti hadn't noticed. 
The following morning I walked Into the recovery room to discover the Classquatch Yeti had tried to steal my bike on his dying heart beats but failed after consuming MORE of the Devils Lettuce, eating all the bread In the house and yet again passing out. 
 After he came around with a bit of a fuzzy head I filled him In on what had gone on the night before. The last he remembered he was at a Loch In scotland visiting a mate but then they ate too much fish and . . well its all a bit blurry from there. 
 It was around this time I discovered what the Classquatch Yeti discribed as the 'real reason the dinosaurs were wiped out'. That smell will linger for the next 1000 years. 
 After a some tea and morning electro funk I asked could I drop him anywhere maybe to catch a bus or that. He gave me the address of Ciaran Smiths house. I asked why there and he said he left his clothes there outside by the bins. I asked why he did that? He changed the subject and asked had I ever seen that show called 'Woof! ??? 
 He requested I pop him In a box as the morning light doesn't agree with him, so I did. 


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